It has brought up not only good memories of good friends, but also reminders of how cruel children are and some not so fond memories of my childhood and junior high experience. I went to a good Christian school, but don't let that fool you into thinking that children are at all different than they are at any other school. They are quick to judge, reluctant to forgive and can, at times, inflict great pain on others around them.
Here is where this blogging thing gets difficult. I find that I can remain superficial, only telling folks what I want them to hear, what is not painful to me, what is fun and light and happy.........but in doing so, that leaves out a part of who I am, a part of me that is vulnerable and real. Do I relish in the idea of airing my dirty secrets to the world........do I long for the opportunity to tell you about my misery..........no, not really. But, it is all part of the human experience.....it, along with all the good things in our life, make up who we truly are.....it is a part of our journey.
So, childhood.........junior high. Like I mentioned before, I went to a great school.......probably the reason I am articulate and educated today, is because of this school. I realize only now the superior education that I received and am grateful for the sacrifice my single mother made in putting me there. But not all was wine and roses. When I was young.....3rd/4th grade I was insecure in my new surroundings......here I was surrounded my children who came from wealthy families, or at least upper-middle class, and I was living alone with my single mother, struggling to make ends meet. I didn't handle it well, in essence........I lied.
I made up fantastic lies.......My family were really millionaires disguised by living in an apartment across the street, my dad was flying me to Hawaii on Spring Break, I have 9 brothers and sisters......you've just never met them. I got in trouble at school for some of these lies. At the time I didn't know why I did it, I just wanted to fit in, to be liked, to be rich like I thought others were.......the new clothes, fancy car, whatever it was...I wanted it.
So, I got over this in about 5th grade after some embarrassing moments of being called on such lies. By teachers, by friends. It was a very disappointing time in my life. The air was out of my sails....my secret was out and I was nobody special and worst........I was an outcast.
For the next 2-3 years I struggled against this prejudice. Some kids wouldn't befriend me at all, others reluctantly, never truly trusting anything I said. I was the last to be picked for teams and I rarely was invited to parties. Painful does not begin to describe those days.
Around the middle of 7th grade things began to turn around and I found that I truly had some friends...even great friends. They were few and far between, but I cherished them giving me a second chance. I still struggled with trying to keep up with the Jones' so to speak and wanted more than I had. I never did fit into the "In Crowd" and it still leaves a bit of a sting now that I have resumed contact with some of them through Facebook. I almost wish I didn't know about some of them...what become of them, how they are, because if I'm being truthful.........I really don't want to know. It dredges up those feelings again.
I went to a High School away from most of these people, and to me it was a fresh start. No one knew of my past transgressions or the ostracism I felt. Here I was able to start anew and made new friends and found my niche among many groups........for me, being a small fish in a big pond helped heal those wounds of being a big fish in a small pond where I couldn't escape the past.
I went onto college and forgot all about those oldin' days of Jr High and went on with my life. When I was married a few years and was pregnant with my twins I got an itching to call one of my friends from those days. Someone who had been a true friend to me. So I tracked her down and we caught up and found that we were both pregnant. A few weeks later we both found out we were having twins. And you know what, I could hear it in her voice and I even asked her......."do you think I'm making this up?" and for awhile.......she did. I realized that some things are just never forgotten. I think that in that moment, it hurt more than it ever did back as a child.....to know that even afte so many years, some things follow you no matter what you do. I fell out of touch with that friend after that.
On Facebook, she is one of my "friends" and a member of our MCA school group...but in my heart there is this part of me that wants to cut off all contact...to just let the past go and remain out of the loop. There are others in that group though that bring great memories back to mind and for those few I submit myself to the public arena, to the hurt.
It has brought back many memories, some good, some bad........but in the end I remind myself that those few years, decades ago, do not tell me who I am today. They may have helped mold me and make me who I am today, and they certainly taught me some valuable lessons........but in the end, I am happy with who I am today. Most people who know me now and through the years think of me as strong and not especially vulnerable...but I would be lying if I did not include these memories of long gone days as a part of who I am.
So here it is......layed out for all to see...but there is something liberating in acknowledging the experience, the pain......that we are all real people with real mistakes and real pasts and that what you see on the surface does not always equal what is on the inside. I hope that through those lessons I teach my children to avoid my mistakes, and what mistakes they do make, they learn from and are strengthened from. Don't carry it around with you like a millstone around your neck...let it change who you are into a better you.
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{HUG}
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